I Hate People... Especially Ikea's Webmaster

Let's face up to it, folks: Ikea sucks.

Yes, they make furniture which is not shitty, and, yes, some, I repeat, *some* of their shit is not ridiculously overpriced for its hi-I'm-a-trendy-import-shit-you-can-buy-to-impress-your-friends-with-what-a-fuck-postyuppy-you-are factor, but still, taken as a whole, Ikea sucks.

And their web site designer needs to die in a fire. Twice (a reliable necromancer may be employed for this purpose). They are a fuckshit Scandihellian company with a piss-smell web site which should not be permitted to conduct business in the Republic of California. I'm sure there are laws on the books -- California has a section of civil code to outlaw everything, even reading this blog -- which cover web sites specifically designed to make it god fuck damn impossible to contact customer service, except by means which they've tailored to *their* convenience.

So here's my story. I bought a desk on Craigslist. Yay, Craigslist, free classified ads for the masses. Of course, the prior owner is moving, and, of course, she doesn't have all the hardware. No biggie. You buys your shit used, you takes your chances.

So I go to the hardware store. Orchard Supply Hardware, in Glendale. Ask the first semi-uniformed face I see for some help. Happens to be a girl. A girl who, while technically not jailbait, is nonetheless far too young for me even to consider flirting with her. Damn. I open my little Zippered Pouch o' Shit™ to retrieve the parts I need, and show her them, and she says, "Oh! That looks like something from some knock-together furniture." Of course, I'm no bloody carpenter: I'm seventeen stone and I have dainty little white-collar-man's fingers. Fuck off.

The cutie leads me to their aisle of assorted parts (no body parts, sad to say, just washers and grommets and grunkets and gloobles), helps me not-find what I need. They don't carry it, because it's proprietary, like everything IBM ever manufactured. MotherFUCK. I thank the hottie, make a mental note to reincarnate as a child molester in Southeast Asia, and go on my way.

When I get home, I look up Ikea's web site: it is a shit that needs wiping up. I spent fifteen minutes negotiating their sorry-assed excuse for a web site. No luck. By pure luck and caprice of the gods (I waved a dowsing rod over the monitor), I did, in fact, manage to locate Ikea's toll-free customer annoyance number.

Let me tell you, *that* was a worthless shit of a phone call.

So I have to go to the Ikea store. In Burbank. I have arranged to have a tooth pulled before I go there, so as to take advantage of the brain's pain-gating mechanism.

I hate Ikea. Ikea sucks. You suck too, come to think of it.

I Hate People... Especially Kyle Lynch.

I hate Kyle Lynch.

And I have a good reason to.

Last week I rented a pickup truck from Enterprise Rent-A-Car (ERAC) in Glendale, California. On my way home from work one night, I got pulled over by the always-useful Glendale P.D. Turns out that there was a warrant out on the truck thanks to a dumbass named Kyle Lynch, who earned himself a ticket while renting the same pickup...and being the douchebag that he is...never paid the damn ticket.

After a good questioning and a check of IDs for everyone in the cab, I was released without any spankings (tickets) of my own...but by the time I got home, I'd missed the first half of Jeopardy.

So, Kyle Lynch is a douchebag, and there is verifiable proof...just ask the Glendale P.D.

I reported the incident to ERAC when I returned the truck, and they did absolutely nothing about it...didn't even bother apologizing or waiving the charge for the one hour I was late in returning the truck.

WARNING: If you happen to rent a pickup from ERAC in southern California, just be sure it isn't a silver Dodge Ram, or you may find yourself being pulled over and accused of being Kyle Lynch. Who is a douche.

And you wouldn't want that, now would you?

I Hate People

I hate people. People suck. Most of them don't even do that well. Even if you show them an instructional video and a step-by-step handbook. People suck. I hate people.

The difference between the average person and a brick is that bricks are useful. The best use for a brick is to throw it at someone. Look for the nearest person, aim, then throw the brick. After retrieving the brick, wipe it clean. The target's shirt may best be employed for this purpose; after all, they are the one who soiled the brick. One note of caution: it is important not to damage the brick: bricks have feelings, you are going to use the brick again.

This concludes today's lesson.

I hate people.